so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
