Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
