It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize