Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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