I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
