youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
