She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
