apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
