Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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