I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
