Your dad touched me again.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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