five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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