Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
