hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
