I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize