Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
high people should be assigned attendants
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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