My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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