The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
