Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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