the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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