eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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