this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
