i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
