look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
