Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
