I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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