I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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