Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
