Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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