your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
