The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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