yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
