He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
