Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize