the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
