We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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