My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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