I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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