Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
