I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
