I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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