Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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