Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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