I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
