HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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