im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
