Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
