peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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