I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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