I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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