Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
