I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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