I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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