I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize