Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
