what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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