That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
