can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize