if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
