That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
