The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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