i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
