Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think I just sharted jello shots
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