i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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