I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
